The Fart Of Fiction, No. 6

Have you got a minute? I think we need to talk. Let's talk more about the art and less about the fart. There is truth in a fart, but if your world of writing is stinky, make it better. Go to a workshop in Buffalo and discover agents, publishers, and editors who want to shed light on mental health, make your stories worth reading, and help you build a writing career.

It's better to swing and miss than to not swing at all. I'll normally make the trek to Buffalo just to watch the Bisons in minor league baseball, but instead, I got to meet Chuck Sambuchino today in a conference room. I introduced myself after a scheduling altercation at the How To Get Published workshop. What if I yelled, "There's no oxygen in the room?" What if I shouted, "I can't release a cum-fart?" What if I wasn't drunk at a pitch session, but bombed it anyway. None of that REALLY happened. I would keep moving forward and listen to Chuck's advice.

1. Write great. Always write the best thing you can. Make the beginning of the novel explosive, then create magic and fire in the middle, and keep a reader guessing until the end.

2. Understand. Understand what you're getting into so you can jump hurdles. Understand the roadblocks, so you can combat them.

3. Build your writer's platform. Why not show the world that you love to write? Why not show off your creativity? Give people something to talk about.

4. Keep moving forward. It's just a step in the road. Rejection hurts, so deal with it the best way you can. Don't be afraid. Fart loud, get back up, and keep farting and moving forward. A gaseous state of existence is going to propel you to keep moving forward.

5. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Keep writing. Write another book and write more short fiction. Spread your wings. Don't stop.

6. Write for love and write for life. Write articles and write something different. Critique other writers, try new stuff, and keep trying your best.

7. Don't believe everything you hear. Get information from a variety of sources. Don't disappoint your audience with biased opinions. Research well.

8. Don't give them any reason to reject you. By them, I mean publishers, agents, and editors. Avoid tired beginnings because nobody wants to read about the character waking up from a dream AGAIN. Create tension, problem, conflict, and trouble. Have a scene or a flashback. Take a shot and make it troublesome. Show and don't tell or the reader won't get beyond the first page. Write organically and let the details gradually slip out. Questions keep them reading: Don't give away everything.

9. Steal from yourself. Re-read blogs, old short stories, or stuff that didn't work the first time. Take the ideas and write a better story. Re-organize the value of what you've written and don't let it go to waste. Recycle a joke. Bottle a fart. The more quality content, the more spaghetti you can throw at the wall.

10. Put down the remote control or limit it. Only watch two or three talk shows a day. Put in the time and sacrifice. Give up the stinky music shows on YouTube. Go to more hotels and lock yourself in a hotel room until you're done writing. I locked myself in a hotel room in Windsor at a conference.